My Happy Tastes Like Sad
I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that it was always unlikely that we were going to be successful on the first go-round through the IVF process. As you go through it, though, and overcome so many hurdles of the different appointments and master the drug regimen, you’re not thinking that the odds are against you. As you pass each landmark, the hope grows until it feels like you will be rewarded for doing everything correctly. You kind of expect that it will work out, to a certain extent.
By the end of the first week of The Wait, and Amy started testing regularly with the home kits, it was hard for me to figure out what to do with that information. I had reason to doubt it for most of the early ones, but as negative after negative mounted, most of my hope had been extinguished – say around day 11 or so. There was still a glimmer of hope and part of me thought that we would, or at least could, hit a homer in the bottom of the ninth and all the worrying would have been for nothing…but that’s not the way it worked out.
So, I can’t say I wasn’t prepared for the confirming blood test that we are negative – certainly I saw the headlights coming our way – but I wasn’t prepared to feel like I felt yesterday. I felt a genuine sense of loss – and not about the money either, in spite of wife’s gallows humor.
When they gave us the picture of the embryos it made everything so much more real to me. I have a friend who went through IVF and ended up with twins. On the first page of the twins baby book is her picture of them when they were embryos still. I kind of figured it was just one of the upsides of going through the process that we get our “first picture” at a much earlier age, so to speak. Anyway, let me tell you that it makes it so much worse now. What happened to them? Why didn’t they stay where the doctor put them? I just don’t understand what went wrong.
I’m already better than I was yesterday as I reeled trying to understand emotions foreign to me. I sense that I’m already turning the corner a bit, as is my way. We have an appointment already scheduled for next Friday, May 30th with Dr. Rosen – I imagine to plan the attack for the next run. I’m not quite, quite ready to go there yet, though. Not quite ready to let go of the place we were just a week or so ago. I was so ready for it to have finally worked out for us. So ready to name our child(ren), and make sure they were going to get a good education, and have a home that was prepared for them, that I’m not quite ready to set it all aside again and turn this all back into a chemistry experiment again. I will. Soon. But not today.
Hi Drew, I am really sorry ! I was so hoping and praying for you guys, and I will most definitely keep doing so!
Thanks, Jenny. We knew the job was dangerous when we took it. Most people are unsuccessful the first time so we were just hoping we would be one of the lucky few. We’ll get there.
I haven’t been able to find the words to respond to this post. At first I didn’t understand the title. I didn’t see anything happy. Then I realized how amazingly optimistic you are being in the face of a great disappointment..
I kind of didn’t have the words to write it.
I suppose I am optimistic, still, but it’s funny how quickly optimism can turn to sadness which is how this went for me over the last few weeks.
I turn the corner on difficult things more quickly than most though (much to my wife’s chagrin, I think) and this will work out for us.