Brevet

It’s been about a month since I tried my hand at this.  Most days I would at least consider feeding the blog – emptying my mind of what was going on inside me.  Each day, though, I would look into the void and I saw nothing but darkness.  I could not quite grasp how I was to feel about this situation.  It was as if I was on a road that had dropped into a valley –  and as I look ahead to see the road rise up and over the hill, I have no idea what I will see when I get there.

Does my road lead to a family with children?  Dare I still hope for this?  I am optimistic by nature, but it was easier assuming success at the beginning of the journey than where we are now, about half way to the end.  Is it safer not to hope, for fear of having it crushed or is that counter-productive?

I feel I should prepare for the possibility/probability of a life without children.  How do I do that, though?  If this were something less important, it would be easy to embrace the upside of the “life without children” possibility.  I would “spin” the positive aspects in my head and to Amy:  “We would be able to afford to travel as much as we would like.  We could afford nicer cars…”  I might come to believe that this version of our life would be equally good – just different than originally planned.  That however it worked out, we would be equally comfortable with the outcome. 

I just can’t spin it, though.  I am well aware that I really want this thing – this thing that may well not happen.  I can’t talk myself into believing that I don’t care.  I care and the dread of the possibility of failure hangs on me like wet clothes, chilling me to the bone.

The process starts anew this week.  We write the big check today and FSH starts on Friday.

Tags: Fertility Efforts, IVF // Add Comment »